its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
