don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
