Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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