At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
