I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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