I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
