so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
