So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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