I look better un-naked...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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