Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
