Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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