I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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