I just pynch a tree in the face
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
