I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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