we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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