please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
