Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
