U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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