The best revenge is premature balding
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
