Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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