OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
