They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
