Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish you could order shots online.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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