Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
