dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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