I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
