he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
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She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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