Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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