I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
