I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
