what day is it and did you see me today?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
