so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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