sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
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Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat