How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen