Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
