4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
