I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
