This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
