i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
