I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
