Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
