just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
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I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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