I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
