My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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