i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
