Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
