I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
