Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
