I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just found puke in my bra..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
