i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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