So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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